But You're Fat.

You know this isn't a fluke, don't you? My neighbour says to me from across the fence, It's actually talent.

She's one of my life cheerleaders, always supporting me and offering words of wisdom from the sidelines.

I want to whole-heartedly believe her. Good things have been happening in my life of late. There is a little voice inside me though, that whispers: But you're fat.

I could find my soul mate {check}, live in the most beautiful country {check}, have a beautiful, healthy daughter {check}, be offered amazing opportunities {check}, have a wonderful family {check} and beautiful friends {check}.... heck I could even win the lotto, get the Nobel Peace prize, meet Oprah, watch Gaga perform, write a best selling book... and still have my life be tainted by the fact that all is not okay because I'm still.... fat.

There will always be that part of me that won't switch off. That little voice within that lingers and reminds me that although everything else is wonderfully perfect... it isn't quite right because my body isn't what I want it to be. Thin. Or at least thinner.

I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I love my life, and everything it entails, but there's just that little niggle inside that likes to remind me that everything isn't 100% peachy. Because I'm fat.

I walk into the room, and it feels like home. Well, not home, but close enough to it. Have you been here before? the lady behind the table asks. I nod. I've been here before, in more ways than one.

I don't feel worried, or anxious. I know how this works and I'm filled with hope. I know that it works for me, it has in the past and I hope it can again. I step on the scales and I'm again part of the Weight Watchers journey.

You have a beautiful figure, a woman from behind me says, I don't know what you're doing here. You don't need to lose weight.

I know that she's not talking to me. But I smile. A smile of hope. Perhaps one day, somewhere, someone will mutter the same words to me.

Beans Means...

There was a knock at the door in the middle of day, which only means one thing. Parcels! I opened the door to see a burly courier with a dainty picnic basket in his hands. He looked a little uncomfortable and was eager to hot foot it out there, leaving the picnic basket behind.

Inside were some goodies from Edgell. Beans and things. I have grand plans for the goodies. The chick peas will be made into hommus, the four bean mix into healthy nachos and the red kidney beans into a yummy winter soup. And the beans and corn will be gobbled up by Lacey and I. Nom. Nom.

Edgell left a nice little note inside too, reminding me that legumes are natures superfood - a great source of protein and filled with nutrients. They're a cheap alternative to read meat, and pretty darn versatile too.

I just need to hide them from Hubby... because we all know... beans, beans, good for you heart, the more you eat the more you.... {we all know how that ends}.

Sun Flare And Frocks.

I saw this photo and I gasped, isn't it beautiful?

What is one thing that has made you smile today? What is making you happy on this Thursday?

Me? Well this photo for one. And Hubby sent me through some photos of Miss Lacey having fun... and at first they made me teary, but they're also making me smile...

Happy Thursday. xx

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Beautiful Stories.

When I was pregnant, I couldn't get enough of real birth stories. I would find them online, print them out and read them before I went to sleep at night. I wanted to read through the pain, the gore and then get to the good part... the arrival of the new baby. I would cry as I read them, stories of how these beautiful women met their little people for the very first time, and how that felt. I couldn't wait for my own experience. I couldn't wait to feel that love that these women spoke of. It was magical, and I wanted in on it.

My friend Kelly recently shared her beautiful birth story with me over at Kidspot. She waited five heart-aching years for her beautiful girl, and she was so worth the wait. You can read her story here.

I hope you're having a lovely Wednesday. I'll off to do that radio interview now. Eek. It's pre-recorded so once I figure out when it's on, I'll let you know. x

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Sleep Deficit.

I've been so tired, for so long... I forget what it feels like to have consistent nights of good, quality sleep. I forget what it feels like to jump into bed at night, and know that you're just going to get sleep, all the way until the morning. I forget what it feels like to not have a little person kicking me in the side all night, or waking up crying, "Mama" a few times a night.

Until now. Hubby and Lacey have taken off on a little holiday to see Nanna & Pop Pop, and I've been left to work and sleep. Both of which I'm enjoying doing on my own. I cried at the airport as I said goodbye. I feel sad when I see cute little kids. I miss her little kisses, and his big cuddles. But oh my... this sleep... is amazing.

I'm writing this post from bed, where I woke up just 30 minutes ago. I went to sleep last night, and I didn't stir until this morning when I woke. To anyone else, this is most probably the most boring post ever, but to me... this is wonderful!

How did you sleep last night? Are you owed years of sleep? Are you in sleep deficit?

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52 Week Project: Twenty Eight.

This snap is from last weekend. I tell you, this self portrait business has changed the way I think. I see a mirror, and I think of different ways to get a self portrait. There was a mirror near the bed at the place we stayed, so I popped the camera on the bed, set the self-timer and snapped away. I think Lacey thinks I'm weird. I hope nobody tells her that I actually am. Eeek. I'm sure she'll figure it out when she's a fully fledged teenager and I'm embarassing her left, right and centre.

What If.

The taxi waited for me outside. As I opened the front door I hesitated. I ran back in and scoured the room. I needed something. Something small. Something that would remind me. Something I could sneak inside my handbag.

And there it was. A small bracelet she'd made from buttons the day before. As she slept I snuck it inside my handbag's front pocket and ran into the dark of the early morning.

I sat in the back of the taxi, and wiped tears from my eyes. The what ifs ran through my mind. What if I never saw them again? What if something happened whilst I was up in the sky? What if I never got to saw her grow into an adult? What if...

The what ifs are dangerous. They start at one not-so-dark place, and then submerge themselves in the utterly murky. I've always been like this, filled with what ifs.

I cried when my mum went on holidays. I cried when she was sick with a hangover. I cried when I'd go to school camp {even when I was too old for tears}. The what ifs had control of me.

And now, as a mama {and a wife}, they had a firm grasp on me. Not all the time. Just when goodbyes are involved. Just when we have to cut that invisible umbilical cord. Life is precious. Special. I struggle to let go.

Throughout the day I stumbled across the button bracelet as I went about my day, away from her. As I placed my sunglasses in my bag it brushed against my hand, I smiled. It almost fell out as I grabbed my purse to pay for a drink, I smiled. As I reached inside my bag for plane ticket and it jingled, I smiled.

When I arrived home she was fast asleep, cuddled up like a teeny baby in our big bed. I kissed her soft cheek, and said good night. Good night to my baby in the and of sleep slumber, and good night to the what ifs. Until next time.

All Is Not What It Seems.

As she said the words, a voice in my head was screaming, "Noooooo!"

She asked, "Can we send a photographer over there on Friday to take some photos?"

I wanted to say no. I wanted to wiggle my way out. And even after I reluctantly said yes, I was dreaming up ways to get out of it.

I had a busy day in Melbourne {which went successfully, thanks for all your kind words of support}, a delayed flight and therefore a late night, the day before. When I woke I had to do a speed clean, do hair and make-up and get Lacey dressed and in a good mood {quite difficult first thing in the morning}.

As I do with everything, I imagined how it would go in my head. The photographer would come for five minutes. He'd bring a crew. It would be like the papparazzi. Quick, uncomfortable and over and done with.

It all played out a little differently. I thought I'd have knots in my tummy. But I didn't. It had been such a whirlwind week, that I just wanted it over. Dan, the photographer arrived, introduced himself... and it was like we were old friends. We talked about his renovations, and about living with the in-laws. I fixed up my hair {I wore it out}, and put on some gloss. We took a few photos, a few trillion more and then a few more after that.

Forty minutes later Dan still wasn't quite sure we had the shot. I thought we were done, so I pulled back my hair and got ready to relax. "Let's try just one more," he pushed.

I saw down at our table, put Lacey in front of me and smiled. Lacey was over it. We tried everything to make her smile. Nothing. I grabbed $2 from my purse and bribed her. If you just look at the camera, I'll buy you an ice-cream. Click. We had the shot. {You can see she's holding the $2 in her little hand}.

And here it is below. You can read the article here if you like.

And as if you're not sick of seeing me everywhere, I'll be on radio this week too. I'll tell you more about that as it happens. Eek!

Point & Shoot: Home Time.

Weekends used to be about partying and filling each day {and night} to the brim with fun things and then recovering. And now they're filled with more child-friendly fun things, less sleep and not so much recovering.

Hubby was on night shift so Lacey and I stayed up past our bedtimes {yes, we have the same bedtime - sad!} dancing, playing games and watching movies. We spent the days trying not to wake the sleeping Dadda, as well as eating sushi and cleaning.

How was your weekend? Was it a weekend of the boring variety? Or was it filled to the brim with fun?

This Moment.

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savour and remember. {via Soule Mama}

Have a lovely weekend all. I'll see you on Monday with your Point & Shoot.

Beauty-full at 31.

{image}

In a recent survey of 2000 men and women, it was discovered that women are most beautiful at 31 years of age. Oh, sheer delight! That's a year away. The best is yet to come!

The study also revealed that we feel more confident as we age, and two thirds of women felt the old saying was correct - with age comes beauty.

Do you feel you get more beautiful as the years pass? What age have you felt most beautiful? What makes you feel beautiful?

52 Week Project: Twenty Seven.

When I first tried on these shoes in the store, I didn't think I could pull them off. The bows were so big, even the sales assistant said that they looked a little too much like Minnie Mouse for her liking.

The first time I wore them I felt like everyone was watching me. Well, the bows on my shoes to be precise. Now they're my favourite shoes, and I wear them pretty much everywhere.

What are your favourite shoes at the moment? Boots, slippers, ballet flats or something else?

A Mum's Space.

On Saturday morning we packed up our bag {yes one bag, I'm finally mastering packing light} to head off for a Staycation. As you may well know by now, I love nothing more than staying in hotels {or is it motels? I'm always getting in trouble from Big Sis for saying the wrong one}. I love being away from everything. Hubby had just one rule: no computer.

Since I've started working from home, I'm always on my computer. I take it everywhere with me. But not on our weekend away, it seems. {Which I was thankful for, to be honest}.

The lovely people at Mumspace offered my little family a weekend away to a Medina of our choice. King Street Wharf was our Medina of choice. It's right in the middle of everything.

We checked in early, because if there is one certainty in life, it's that my little family are always annoyingly early. Luckily our room was ready. We met with a man in the lift who asked: "Room 91? I have some toys for you".

{Lacey loving the toys}

The toys were a real hit. So much so that she woke three times during the night, sat bolt upright and said, "Toys!"

{Yay! This is where I'll keep you up most of the night!}

{Checking out the view}

It was like having a home away from home. Milk in the fridge? Check. Toys to entertain the toddler? Check. Football on the TV? Check. Newspapers delivered to the door? Check. Housekeeping at our beck and call? Check. Okay, those last two I don't have at home... but it's only a matter of time. Kidding.

{A little visit to the Lindt cafe}

{Our loot}

We wandered all over the harbourside, had lunch, saw the papparazzi waiting for Ashton Kutcher, played tourist and had fun in the sun.

By the time dinner rolled around we were zonked, so we ordered sushi to our room and had a quiet night in. It would have been near impossible to drag Lacey away from the toys, anyway. She even bathed with them.

We sat on the balcony, watched the sunset and enjoyed spending time together. It was nice to just get away from it all, yet to be near it all as well.

Are macarons the new cupcake?

Back in 2005 when I got married it was all about the cupcake. Everyone was having cupcake towers for wedding cakes, and cupcakes were everywhere. There were little cupcake bakeries popping up left, right and centre, much to my delight.

I baked around 400 cupcakes for my wedding day. It was ambitious, but with the help of Lil Sis, I did it. It was on trend, and they were well received. Actually, I don't think the guests cared if they were trendy or not, who doesn't love a cupcake?

But now the humble cupcake has competition... the macaron.

I was a macaron virgin, until the past weekend. I've seen them everywhere {as I did when the cupcake was in vogue} but had resisted the temptation. I knew that if I was going to try one, I didn't want it to be some mediocre, crumbly creation. I wanted it to be the real deal. We visited the Lindt cafe on the weekend and they had a box of six, so we snaffled them up.

Oh sheer delight! The macaron is delicious. It's beautifully sweet, and a great contrast of biscuit to sweet ganache. In our box of goodies we had milk chocolate, dark chocolate, vanilla, olive oil, strawberry and passionfruit. Strawberry and passionfruit are a little bit lovely.

Have you tried the macaron? Do you think it's the new cupcake?

Curvy-licious.

I've fallen in love. Not with another man, but with a website. Well, the clothes within a website. I don't know where ASOS has been all my plus-sized life, but boy oh boy... I can't get enough.


First it was a top and a few singlets. Next a pair of black pants and a few more singlets. And I can see some dresses and more bits and pieces in my very near future.

Those white singlets are the best! I'm all about layering, and these are so long that there is no worrying about belly baring. They wash well. And they're crazily cheap.

Another great thing is that the website is updated sometimes a few times a week. I like that. It keeps me on my toes. For those that aren't of the plus-sized nature, ASOS also does normal sizing too.

Happy shopping. Don't tell your credit card I sent you. Whoops.

For The Love Of Blog.

{Irena Sophia print via Feed Your Soul}

I'm a big fan of the blog. I'm a big fan of people having voices where they previously may have not been heard. I love that people have an outlet for their creativity where it may have been left brewing and stewing inside them with no outlet at all. It's a beautiful thing.

New blogs are cropping up every minute. 'I've got a blog now' is the new black. Perhaps it's the circles I move in, but it feels like everyone has a blog, a place that they speak their mind and share their thoughts. I'm always being asked about blogging, for tips, tricks and insider information. Earlier this year I shared ten blogging tips, and here are a few more...

♥ Don't Blog For The Money

Because as every blogger will tell you, there is none. Well, not until you're established and you've got a gig or something on the side. Or you've come up with some new brilliant idea that no one has ever heard of before. Most bloggers blog for the love of blogging, anything else is a happy bonus.

♥ Make It Your Own

Tweak the design so it reflects your own style. Write from the heart, with words you'd use when speaking to friends. Make it sound like an ongoing conversation from the heart.

♥ Pick & Choose, & Stop

When it comes to the design of your blog, spend some time planning what you want, make it happen and then step away. Let your readers adjust. If you're continually changing your look, readers won't be able to immediately recognise your blog from the trillions of others out there. They'll be all like, 'Is this a new blog?' 'Have I been here before?' 'Umm... I'm confused'. Step away from the HTML my friend.

♥ Be Contactable

I love when I read a post and feel so moved, touched, inspired or connected that I need to reach out let the author know. I hate when I try to reach out to them and there is no possible way to do so. Blogging is about communicating. Let the conversation continue by having your email somewhere on your blog. Buttons are easy to make. Create a 'contact me' one and link it your email. You never know... there might be a bazillion other people trying to get in touch too, and you've been missing out... all this time.

♥ Speak Your Mind {just not all the time}

Of course we want you to always speak your mind, always write from the heart... but if that means rant after rant after rant... well... yawn... that kinda gets old. We like passion, but if you're passionately and infuriatingly crazy like mad... well it kinda just scares us. Eeek.

♥ Picture Perfect

It wouldn't matter if you're the worst photographer in the world, we still want to see your photos. You'll see in my early posts on this blog that I sucked at taking photos. I really did. But still they were snapshots of my life, and that's interesting to people. We like to see what the inside of your house is like, where you buy your milk. We like to see what you see.

♥ Be Patient

For the first six months of blogging hardly anyone read my blog. It was set to private {so that it couldn't be searched and the only way people could read it was if I commented on their blog}. Don't be upset if some days nobody visits, the blogging world is fickle like that. Some days you'll get a busy boom of traffic, and others there will be a teeny trickle of readers & comments.

♥ If In Doubt, Pour Your Heart Out

If you want advice. If you see a blogger that you admire, approach them. If you're frustrated and don't know what to do... ask someone. Email a blogger and ask for some tips. Ask questions and hopefully they'll be open and have enough time to get back to you. It's worth a try.

♥ Enjoy It

If you're not blogging for the love of it, it can show. So fake it until you make it {pfft that sounds like hard work!}, or take a break. A break does wonders for the mind - even if it's just a trip to the cafe to people watch and have a breather.

Obviously I'm no blogging expert, but these are little things that I've learnt along my way. If you're a blogger, what blogging tips do you have to share? Do you have something to add?

Seven.

{Shuxin Liang via Feed Your Soul}

I thought I would follow the lead of Mr King Blogger himself and play a fun little game about blogging. Darren from Problogger has challenged his fellow bloggers to link to 7 posts on our own blogs and on others. So here goes...

♥ My first post: I broke all the my rules. No image. Not interesting at all. It was the beginning though. The title was: A Not So Great Start {and I couldn't be more correct!}.

♥ A post that I enjoyed writing the most: When the blogging community came together earlier this year and bared our faces for Bloggers Without Make-Up it felt like a big, warm, squishy group hug. It felt good to write my post to contribute to the movement, but most of all it felt wonderful to see everyone coming together, from all over the world. Still gives me tingles.

♥ A post that had a great discussion: When I asked earlier this year if I should change my blog name in the blog post More Than This, you guys weren't afraid to tell me your thoughts. And I liked that.

♥ A post that I wish I'd written: There are always so many posts that have me nodding my head, and feeling really connected to. The one that sticks in my mind right now is from the lovely mind of Susannah Conway: How To Fall In Love With Yourself.

♥ My most helpful post: I mentioned last week that I didn't think I helped people. And I was genuine in saying so. It wasn't one of those posts where you want people to come in and comfort you and stroke your ego. It wasn't. But I realised {thanks to the lovely comments} in some ways that I do help people. When I wrote The Road To Here about my childhood sexual assault the number of emails and comments warmed my heart, and saddened me at the same time. Looking back, I realise... I was helping people.

♥ A post with a title I'm proud of: Eek. I'm not good with titles. I'm thinking This Is What You Were Born To Do is a post that means something to me...

♥ A post that I wish more people had read: I don't really have one, but this is my favourite song... so I wish for you to go and enjoy it, right this very moment.

Do you have a blog? Off you scoot and show us your seven...

Point & Shoot: Sun In Our Faces.

The winter sunshine is one of my favourite things. I love when there is a chill in the air, and the warmth of the sunshine takes it away. In summer we seek the shade, in winter we seek the sun.

This photo is technically a little bit imperfect, but to my heart this photo ticks all the boxes. She's so happy, my girl. Smiling, face to the sun. Who could ask for anything more?

How are you my friend? How was your weekend?

Encounters Of The Blogging Kind.

So tell me about your website? I'd just met my sister's boy friend {let's not get those two words too close together just yet, we might embarrass them} and he wanted to know more about what I did.

Him: Do you answer people's questions? Are you helping them?

Me: No. Not really. I just write.

Him: About what?

Me: About my life.

Him: {puzzled look} About your life? I don't get it.

Me: I just write about stuff that happens.

Sister: And she takes photos. Her photos are actually pretty good.

Him: So hang on, you take photos and write about your life. You don't help people?

Me: No, I don't help people. I just write. About things that happen. Things I've done. Things about being a Mum. Just stuff.

Him: I don't get it.

Me: Yeah, it's hard for some people to get it, I guess.

Him: So, will you write about tonight. What we did here?

Me: Yeah, probably.

Him: I bet you won't write the words 'off chops'. I bet you don't put that on your blog.

Me: Hmmm....I might.

And now, I just did.

When did you first hear about blogs? Which was the first you stumbled across? Did you get it straight away? Did it make you want to start your own? Have you ever been... off chops?

*Off chops? I think that means drunk. Because on that night, they were very, very drunk.